eclipse

October 13th, 2008 by amy

I’ve been feeling by turns edgy, angry and down lately. I went through a very low time a few weeks ago and I hate feeling out of sorts again so soon.

One of the almost existential problems of depression for me, at least, is the gradual distrust I’ve come to have of my own impressions of what is real. I ask myself how I can be sure what is real or not when the world seems so different during the depression than during the times I’m not depressed. I also start to question which is the real me, the me who is sad, upset and down or the one who is buoyed temporarily by the right, if fleeting, combination of brain chemicals? I know in some ways that my bouts of depression can be thought to be from a bad mix of chemicals and I described it to someone once as my brain dripping poison. Maybe a better metaphor is an extended emotional eclipse. I suppose both are the real me, the happy and the sad and that the poison is mine as much as the lack of it, the light and the darkness.

I wish I could look forward to things more; wish I could picture the good more than what might be difficult or tiring or uncomfortable; wish I wasn’t so swamped with anxiety or sadness or just the desire to hide out. I know I’ll likely bounce back, feel better, see things more clearly and smile in a few days or weeks, but I know I’ll likely feel like this again too.

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