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This week’s mega-blockbuster

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

Ah… how fondly I remember the year Iron Man came out. Wait… that was this year! With a new blockbuster arriving each week I had a (very likely unoriginal) thought: I want to see well-respected actors playing ridiculous parts.

Of course, it turns out that this is already happening. Robert Downey Jnr as an action star? I wouldn’t have believed it 5 years ago (although at that time I probably believed he would be either dead, in prison or a washed-up drug addict). It’s not that I didn’t think he could do it – quite the opposite – he’s such a fantastic actor I bet he could play the part of a black male by undergoing a controversial skin-darkening operation, or better yet, play the part of an actor who does it, which he does in this week’s blockbuster movie opening.

I want to take it a step further: get famous but wimpy-looking actors playing tough roles. For example, Hugh Grant as a boxer, Reese Witherspoon as a ninja assassin, Jim Carey as a female ice truck driver. Let’s see how good they really are.

Part of me worries that this will eventually be an unavoidable reality. We’ll get 50 blockbusters opening each year and “quality” actors will chase the money into bad roles. In fact, I assume that is what Tropic Thunder parodies (I haven’t seen it yet), as well as the opposite: action movie stars taking on dramatic roles in search of critical acclaim (the fake movie in Tropic Thunder is offending the retards who are offended by the word retard).

This is a blog post, and blog posts must be worthless, so I don’t feel bad about having neither a point nor a conclusion. Instead I’ll just make a list.

  • Tom Cruise’s next movie will have him play a (good) Nazi with an eye-patch
  • Keira Knightley, who is so skinny she has to jump around in the shower to get wet (cha-ching!), has played a few non-wimpy roles: as a warrior princess Guinevere in King Arthur, the real-life bounty hunter Domino and as whats-her-face in the Pirates movies. Although, in the latter she’s starring next to Orlando Bloom, who’s super sexy but not exactly throbbing with toughness.
  • Christian Bale lost 63 pounds to be in The Machinist, then followed it up with his first action role in Batman Begins. With The Dark Knight he’s probably the biggest star in the world at the moment, in a film that follows the other big trend in movies today: a sequel, or in this case a sequel to the reboot of a sequel to a sequel to a sequel of a reboot of a tv series (that was also a film) based on the reboot of a comic story that’s had many sequels.
  • I sometimes wonder what will follow the trend of constant blockbusters. It can’t last forever. Will it be hundreds of Disney-like movies? Camp Rock, HSM3? If you don’t know what HSM is, then you are definitely not cool.
  • I’m flying from USA to Australia tonight. I leave on Wednesday and arrive on Friday. My birthday is Thursday, but it doesn’t exist!!! Will this give me super powers? You’ll find out in next year’s blockbusters.
  • Blockbusters is a fantastic word. Busting blocks.

If any of the three people out there that read this crap feel like commenting, don’t bother. I won’t read it. You’d be better off doing something more useful, such as watching the international pharmaceutical convention that’s currently being broadcast from Beijing, where you are a complete disappointment if you somehow don’t break a world record. As I said to Max today, they’ll have to start filling the pool with honey soon. No super suit will help there! Also, all these medals… only rappers should wear that much bling.

[The author returns to edit the post. I’m back because I had this nagging suspicion that some random person would accidentally stumble across this page by googling for the Jonas Brothers and think “Jim Carey is not a respected actor”. Dear random person, The Truman Show, Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind and The Man on the Moon. Subtracting one for the whole talking out of his bum act still leaves two.]